UCSB Introverts, (AKA Entire College of Creative Studies) Really Thriving Right Now

by Annie Pepper

This article was originally written and posted on July 16, 2020 on the satire page of the Daily Nexus, a UC Santa Barbara student-run newspaper. Annie Pepper is the pen name of a CCS student.

With pandemic restrictions on the rise once again, the kick to morale with increased isolation had been widely felt throughout the UC Santa Barbara community and the greater state of California. Though disheartening, a niche group of UCSB students has been taking this opportunity by the horns. 

These students, majors within the College of Creative Studies (previously featured in the Nexus for holding the title of stinkiest and most tennis shoe), seem to be thriving as the role of introvert has been forced on the nation. 

“My poli sci friends — they’ve been having a really hard time,” CCS literature major Fanny Iction said. “But I’m doing great. Every day I get up and start reading a book, usually one that everyone talks about reading but no one really does. Then, I journal and work on either my ‘Doctor Who’ fanfiction or my young adult sci-fi trilogy I’m writing. It really just depends on the day.” 

Other CCS students have voiced similar opinions on their routine in quarantine, some noting that thankfully, they’ve gone days, even weeks without talking to a single person. 

“My housemates in Isla Vista asked if I was coming back once school starts, and I told them no,” CCS physics major Owen Horton said. “My mom makes great pasta, and everyone goes to bed before 8 p.m. Why would I ever leave?” Horton cut the interview short after insisting he needed to harvest his oranges. When Nexustentialism inquired as to what Horton does with these oranges, he specified that he was harvesting them virtually on “Animal Crossing,” noting that he has “no business harvesting real fruit or even being outside.” 

Unlike UCSB’s College of Letters and Science, CCS has yet to release a statement on their back-to-school plans, most likely because the college doesn’t have a working email, instead opting for a slew of rescued indigenous Santa Barbara carrier birds. However so far, CCS students seem less than perturbed. 

When asked how he was faring during quarantine, CCS music major Steve Accato — who could be found in his parent’s basement posting “killer vibes” to soundcloud — paused before responding, “Wait, what quarantine?” 

When contacted by Nexustentialism for comment, outgoing CCS Dean of Students Bruce Tiffney couldn’t be reached because, as his wife claimed over the phone, he had fallen asleep while painting a still life in his garden.

Annie Pepper can make CCS jokes because she goes there!!!!